Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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