i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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