When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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