I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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