I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
