So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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