i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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