remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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