When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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