last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
