i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
