The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
