i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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