I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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