I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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