Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize