No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
50% drunk capacity currently
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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