Even the bartender felt bad for me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
