If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
