took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
