i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
