someone threw a dead crab at me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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