Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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