I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
please come you make the beer taste better
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
