I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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