According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
