I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize