chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
