her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
