I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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