Pants 0. Shit 1.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
