If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
