I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
