i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
