If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
