david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize