girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
