Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We need to rekindle our bromance
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
