I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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