Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
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