I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize