Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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