rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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