relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
