I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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