Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
