I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
