New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
