Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
