I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
