GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize