You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
