Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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