We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
