We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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