apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize