Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
