this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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