It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
