Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
