I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
