Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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